I have been trying to figure out exactly where it is that the love is the highest in my world; so that I can go there. If it means that I have to move, then so be it. It is a challenging concept for me to think about: Where do I feel the most supported? With whom do I feel the most appreciated? Whose company do I really enjoy? Who really enjoys my company? Who seeks me out? Who can I teach? Where can I grow the most? What exactly do I want to develop in myself during this new beginning? What type of growth would I like to see in my own self? When my husband was dying, he was so full of regrets. He was such a hard worker. He worked all the time. Weekends. Late nights. Overtime. In the months before his death, he often apologized to me for the time that he would not get to spend with me... and for the time he chose work over me. He said he thought that he would have more time. Truthfully, we both thought that he would have more time. How could we have known? All that I know is that I don't want those regrets. My husband's death so frightened me --- shocked me even --- into living my life completely on purpose. I have to live now... completely... from here on out... no exceptions. No excuses. I can't let his death be in vain. He doesn't deserve that. He was too good of a man. So, I am living my life fully conscious and aware now for the first time in a very long time --- since I was a little child and believed that I could truly do anything and be anyone I wanted or needed to be... and since before the shattering. I have found that I am tired of waiting on the world. I am not making excuses for not pursuing my dreams. I sing and laugh out loud now. I do cartwheels in my living room. I dance --- even with the curtains open sometimes again. I skip through the open fields just like when I was a girl still getting her grown-up teeth. I ride my bicycle with no hands. I walk barefoot through the grass after the rain. I always let the sunshine dry my hair... and I often order dessert first and eat it a lot more often. How can I not, after watching my beloved husband fade away in front of me? Not I! No! I am in pursuit of it all! I am reaching, stretching... grasping for my very future and actively participating in its creation at every level. I have
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